The Things I'll Never Know
by Frizz07
Summary: Remus Lupin reflects on the past, and the love that slipped through his fingers. ONE SHOT


_**Disclaimer: **As much as I would absolutely love to own Harry Potter...or a certain Draco Malfoy, I do not and will never own a thing_

**The Things I'll Never Know**

You said that things would never change between us. It's quite obvious that you were wrong. You promised that we could still be friends after we ended the relationship that I never seemed to let go of. I can never let go. I can never forget those feelings that I had for you, before and after you told me that you needed space. I realized soon after that it wasn't space that you needed. It was an escape from the shame that you would soon receive as the world noticed that something was growing deep within you.

You never told me that you were having my child, but I knew. Oh I knew. I could see it in your eyes. I once found the pregnancy test in the garbage of your bathroom. You were ashamed of what you were carrying. You never once thought of the wonders of what a child could bring you.

You never thought of me.

I think of the future that we could of had as I sit in my office; the blinds closed tight and a single candle burning on my desk. It was vanilla. Your favorite scent.

I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to have a child. To have a woman that loves me just as I love her. I would ask for nothing more than to have a family that I could call my own. Father time disagrees with me. My time is unfortunately running short. Yours however is not. You have your whole life to live, and carrying a baby, my baby, would be out of the question.

I wonder to myself what that baby would look like. Would it resemble me? Which one of my features would it share? I long to feel the smoothness of its little toes, or its ten tiny fingers. I imagine that it would be a beautiful baby. Why wouldn't it when it has someone as lovely as you as its mother?

I can still recall the day that I found the test sitting in the garbage. A mixture of feelings surrounded me. Tears formed in my eyes the idea of having a child of my very own. You don't know how long I have wanted to be a father. I was also quite shocked. I never would have wanted you to go through school with a baby. That is too much for me to ask.

There were many things that I did not know about children. I wanted to be a great father to that baby. I remember running out of your bedroom and racing down to the nearest store. With the money that I had been saving, I bought the baby everything that it could ask for.

Sitting at my desk, I pulled out the fluffy blue blanket that I had bought that day. I hadn't known if it were a boy or girl. That never mattered to me. I would love it no matter what sex it was. I would love that baby no matter what imperfections that it had. All that I cared about was that it would be from the young woman that I loved most.

As much as I would like to accept this now, I can't help but wonder why you didn't wish to be with me? This question has lingered in my mind from the point that you turned around and left me.

Flashback:

"Remus," You said ever so softly, your face pale and scrunched up as though you were about to cry. "I love you. I want you to know that. I love you, Remus. But I can't help but feel as though I need some space from you."

I stood there, frozen, my hands in my pockets. I tried to keep my cool. I didn't want to cry in front of you. It would only make matters worse. "Why?" I asked, my face expressionless.

You shook your head, your hand instinctively on your stomach. "I just need some time to myself." You shut your eyes, trying your very hardest to hold back your tears. "I promise we can still be friends."

I nodded, looking disappointedly at the ground beneath me. "I understand." You moved closer to me, cupping my face in your tiny hands. "I love you, Remus. I love you more than you will ever know." You whispered against my lips before you softly kissed them for only a second, and then walked ever so quickly away from me.

End of flashback.

I will never understand what you were feeling at that moment. I could never possibly know the feeling of going through a pregnancy alone. What I don't understand is why you never told me? If only you would have stayed with me. If only I could see my child grow.

I'm only half the man that I was before you left me. I spend mainly all of my time working, and the rest, thinking of you. I have respected your wishes of space. I keep a picture of you on my desk. It warms my heart to see you, to know that you are still there. You will always remain in my heart, Hermione. You meant the world to me. The love that I feel for you will never go away. Each and every day without you is difficult, but in a way, it has made me stronger. Now, I truly know what it feels like to love a woman and be loved in return.

I have you to thank for that.

**Author's Note**: Hey there! I was indeed in the mood for writing, and this little one shot just popped into my head. I really hope that at least someone likes it, unlike my other story, which I give a great big thanks to my friends Kyp and Lindsay for being the only reviewers! As with each and every other Remus/Hermione story, this story is dedicated to Kyp! Thanks to everyone that reviews! It really means a lot to hear what you have to say!

Jess aka Frizz


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